For those of you with a likewise lack of money management skills for cable and an unstable addiction to which is the mess that is the Lifetime Network, you would know that Britney Ever After premiered last night.
The biopic, unauthorized and the topic of Twitter’s obsession, covered the infamous rise and downfall of one Miss Britney Jean Spears.
And y’all, it was bad.
Like, 2007 bad.
And like most things that are hard to decipher thought where to start to explain exactly HOW bad of a train wreck it is, you just have to start at the beginning.
Who the eff is Natasha Bassett and how do we return her?
Casted full of randoms, the eyes were definitely on the starring role, clinging in place by Australian actress Natasha Bassett–no notable correlation to the queen that is Angela Bassett. And too bad, because homegirl definitely should have picked up the Android and phoned in some relative advice on how to slay a biopic. What’s Love Got To Do With It, anyone?
The performance, to summarized the details, was cringe-worthy and false. Flava-Flav could have pulled a better act.
….Is this The Beverly Hillbillies?
If a shot was taken for every time the word “Y’all” was uttered”….
Did the actor playing Justin Timberlake get his inspo from Malibu Most Wanted?
Sure, JT pre-noodle shave was a little corny, but he wasn’t that whack.
Was the music for the movie provided by Heidi Montag and Soundcloud ringtones?
Considering unauthorized, no rights to Britney’s music was approved–thus comes improvisation. Horror films have been on a burnout for 2017 so far but equally as terrifying is watching Natasha extension flip on a literal karaoke stage to a literal karaoke version of The Rolling Stones Satisfaction.
Arguably, 2000 VMA’s was Britney’s second greatest performance and her most talked about–THIS is the justice they served?
Post-split, were Pinky and Stinky really out here doing for Lil’ Saint?
If the eye rolls were contained during the first thirty, they truly started rolling when Britney and Justin called it quits in 2002 after allegedly Justin found proof Brit had been cheating with then peroxide-tipped choreographer and current hot mess, Wade Robson. What followed were countless rumors, including one of Britney running into ex Justin and then fling Jenna Dewan (AKA Mrs. Channing Tatum) and then proceeded into a dance off at the club. And leave it to Lifetime to bring it to life.
The scene was epic upon LMAO proportions and according to former N*Sync bandmate Lance Bass, false.
Where TF is Crossroads? The X.Tina competition?
2002 was also the year of Spears’ big film debut and the embarrassment most 20/30somethings hide in their DVD collection, Crossroads. Additionally, it was the rebirth rumored rival Christina Aguilera, transforming herself into a Dirrty vixen and later going on tour with Britt Britt’s ex-Justin. All this hype, and yet no coverage. But we did learn that Britney’s father was apparently an alcoholic and would do anything to get his baby some cheese grits. Scandalous.
The Vegas Wedding
Mostly forgotten, we were re-introduced to the Vegas elopement that was Britney Spears and childhood friend Jason Alexander. The scene, lasted all of about 5 minutes which was the basic equivalent to their marriage, in reality lasting a total of 55 hours before annulment.
Immediately after that cackling fiasco, we are introduced to sexy time with “Meat Pole”. All of us just know him as then-back up dancer Kevin Federline. Which, considering Federline now has 6 children, 2 of them with Spears, “Meat Pole” may not be a bad nickname.
We all know that didn’t end well, but the grammar Nazi in us all pray it didn’t end which Britney texting “I Wnt 2 Dvrce U”.
Fictionalized for Dramatization Purposes
Says the words sprawled across the black screen at the end, which was followed across America with the lines “No shit”. Sure, there obviously was a nasty split between Spears and Timberlake, and the breakdown post-Federline got ugly, but the only accurate portrayal was that of the Starbucks cup she always toted and Banana the snake.
Brit Brit has been through literal hell and back, she didn’t deserve this mess too.
Legendary, ever after.
As for Lifetime and Natasha:
WE DON’T KNOW HER.