F*ckboys: The Survival Guide


Cuffing Season is well under production and while some of us are boo’d up at least until the initial season of Westworld ends, the remainder of us are out here living the single life. And for most, it’s not that damn bad.

Your botched bangs are finally growing out.

Your skin is clearer than it’s ever been in months.

Your butt is something a peach wish it could make an emoji out of.

For the first time in a long, work makes sense and you’re completely focused on your career.

You’re closer than ever to the people who matter most and genuinely want the best.

Life. is. lit. Although lit is a term that could kind of go, but it just works.

Considering things are good and can’t go down faster than the upcoming state of America heels on New Year’s Eve, you’re okay with the idea of entertaining a companion of sorts. That is, until THEY arrive.


That’s right–you know them, I know them, and we ALL hate them.


Fuckboy (n).

The worst kind of guy. Not looking for anything serious but seeking “something new and refreshing” when they already look tired as hell and wanting all the benefits of a relationship. Someone who will take away your time and your soul, and usually ask for pics along the way. Someone who doesn’t want a serious relationship anymore to “focus on other things (usually work)”, only to end up in a serious relationship with a basic bikini mess. 


And my favorite,

The fuckiest of fucks.

While there are a sleuth of definitions that all sum up to SCREW NIKE, DON’T DO IT, it can get a little confusing at times as to whether or not a fuckboy is trolling your existence. So let’s break this down, shall we?


If you’re logging in on this expecting to find your Romeo, 99.6678% of that hope is going to be a hell nawl.

There won’t be a match that will kill himself for the consumption of living without your precious love, but there will be a few who seem as if they will just flat-out kill your ass.


That could be a sexual sense, as well.

Because definitely there will be plenty who will want inside your pearly gates.

tinder message

Some will get creative about it:

tinder message

Some will make no sense at all:

tinder message

Some will skip right to the meat and potatoes and waste no time at all–I once had a friend who received a message:

Hey. Looking for someone to come over on my lunch break and pound me out. Interested?

Whatever happened to some Brisk iced tea and a Monte Cristo for lunch? I barely have time to run to the bank on my lunch break, let alone get some play play in. Pass.

Granted that they in the beginning come correct and succeed to the next round aka meeting in person, dealing with anything online obvious be smart about it. Meet in well-lit (not lit like your life–but well-lighted, hard to be murdered in a crowded space lit) areas, keep homegirls on standby, have an escape plan and expect some bullshit.

tinder text

Is standing outside any different from standing inside?



Now, you could be pleasantly surprised in the opposite direction, just don’t get your hopes up.



The majority of their social media interaction following looks like the Rock of Love rejected cast and they’re still holding on to fame from that hit single two strong years ago. Their entire existence is on Snapchat and you’re positive they own more selfies than sense. While their golden years are over they still feel and act as though everything with a vagina is supposed to come and drop all of Victoria’s Secrets.


Not all creative artists are like this, but if these symptoms are ringing bells:

Run, i.e. in the opposite direction.


Fuckboys are an epidemic year round, but something about this season that brings them out in forces. The weather is dropping, the fires are popping, the winter cocktails are flowing and everyone wants to snuggle under the mistletoe with that Mariah Carey on volume maximum. INCLUDING the guy you haven’t heard from since March, popping up suddenly to ask how your week has been. In November. The guy you haven’t heard from since March.

Fucking. March.


Considering he completely went Casper in your inbox, you’ve assumed he’s been deceased this entire time.

That’s like 70 weeks, countless celebrity deaths, a new President and 18 Kanye rants that have happened between then and now, and the best he can do is ask about the last seven days? Ditch Samara from The Ring and pass.

THE EX, of course

What would the season be without a “Happy Holidays” or “Hope all is well” from the one who sadly almost destroyed all of your well-being. Or worse: the “You look great”s.



Took time out of their “happy life” to screenshot YOUR photos and open up dialogue open them. Do we have to go into further explanation as to why these photo bandits need to be steered clear of farther than a Popeye’s that’s always out of Spicy chicken? PASS.

Exes are usually so for a reason.

Particularly, if they left you high and dry to pick up all the broken pieces while they were tearing it up at the Vance Joy show and enjoying life–do you really want to let this person back into what you’ve rebuilt? You’ve come too far to go back, and them giving you isolation was the best gift they’ve ever could have given because it only made you stronger.

Let it go and let them terrorize the next victim(s).

Good luck.

Good luck.

You look better cause you sleep better when you know no one is out cheating on you.


They’ve played the games. Quite a bit of them, and left a lot of victims in the process. Somewhere along the way, they’ve realized the error in their ways and have come full circle to wanting to start in a better relationship state. Is it worth the risk? That’s only a question one could answer within oneself, and sure to proceed with caution. With that as well, honesty is a big commendable step and to be kept in mind everyone has a past some of us actually learned for the better. If their actions match their words, it may be worth the gamble.


When you’re together, you’re TOGETHER–and it’s great. They’re fun, can form intellectual conversations, have all their teeth and chemistry is popping. But….when you’re not together, you have questions because you’re a borderline psycho with trust issues some things don’t add all the way up, and although you’re kind of shitty in math: 1+1 is for sure 2. You don’t always know how to read them and they don’t seem like the typical type, but there is fuckboy potential.

If communication doesn’t match the rest of the seemingly great package, use your context clues and make the judgement best for you. A.K.A, running.


We’ll dive more into this in another post for another date.

Until then, stay safe this season.


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  • Wes
    November 21, 2016 at 7:48 pm

    Loved it!

  • Tiff
    March 16, 2017 at 4:20 pm

    LOL! Absolutely hilariously true. So glad I’m not about that f*ckboy life any longer. Officially, got off that wagon in August 2016. Being single can suck, but loads better than being stressed out and mistreated.

    • Vodka & Cupcakes
      March 16, 2017 at 4:42 pm

      AMEN!! And congrats being f*ckboy free!