They Always Come Back

It happened.

In the great words of someone super classy and probably British, by George, it finally happened. After countless tear stained nights, Cymbalta commercial moments, friends screaming at Tyra Banks volumes you’re better than this, and watching dust collect on that breakup book gifted to you you still haven’t read yet–it happened.

You’re finally over the one that hurt you the most. Even still, hearing the line they immediately never stop coming to mind, do they? And while you’ll never forget, it simply just doesn’t hurt anymore. You’re almost not even sure WHEN exactly it happened, but hot damn, it did. It wasn’t a road traveled you’d wish on most, but it made you slightly more into the strong, fabulous catch standing today.

For that, you couldn’t be happier.

And for the first time in a long, life feels good. Your thoughts are clear, your heart feels light, your skin is popping like Rihanna shorts at a dance festival, work is booming, your weight you dramatically lost during your dark time is back in all the right places, and your love life isn’t that of an episode of My Strange Addiction.

What could possibly could shake this joy?

Well, it usually starts with three syllables:

“Hey stranger”

The two bubble word text from THEM. THE ex. The one who loved you, burned you, ditched you, and damn near destroyed you with their careless parade of shenanigans. Yeah, them.

Bye, Bradley.

Speaking of, circling headlines as of late is that of the one and only Brad Pitt reportedly has texting ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. Let’s stop and have a quick refresher course, shall we?

This is Brad and Jen.

Jen and Brad are super happy, and in love. And, like most humans who are happy and in love, they get married. It’s so cute it’s almost sickening how seemingly perfect they are. Along the way of marital bliss and being Hollywood’s “It” couple, Brad gets bored and set his green eyeballs to his then-costar, Angelina Jolie.



Brad leaves Jen for Angelina upon epic embarrassment proportions as their affair goes public and they are eventually dubbed the hottest couple to watch. Meanwhile the world watched as Jen tried to get on in life with her career, dating and ultimately became the poster child for the breakup babe.

Did Brad care? Of course not.


He was too busy being happy, marrying Angelina and eating scorpions for dinner with their cute ass kids, all 12 of them. *They don’t really have 12 kids, but you get it*.

After an extended stay in Singleland, Jen eventually found a permanent boo with body for days who put a Jared’s on it, continued to expand her career, and has never looked better.  As for Brad now? While living the good life, ish suddenly went way South of Cambodia and Pitt is now currently facing divorce and a fight to gain custody of his children. And now Brad is sad.


And thus, Sad Brad is coming to Happy Jen for consolation about his relationship problems with the woman he left her for.

Obviously, it’s a caveman’s tale that has been told since the beginning of time. You fall, you get scarred, you heal, and the flame thrower who burned you suddenly returns like “Oh hey gurl, you’ve healed nicely. What’s new?” They suddenly want to know everything that’s been going on in your life since they screwed you over and are really, really proud of you amongst venting about their current problems that brought them back to your inbox in the first place. Gross.

A mundane story, but whether one to be tolerated is simply up to the former victim. Forgiveness is one, opening Pandora’s box is a whole other chapter, usually ending in total chaos and destruction to engage with the culprit who almost stole it all. In Aniston’s case husband Justin Theroux is aware of the conversations between his wife and Pitt, and is okay with her consoling his situation.

In the legendary quote of one Missy Misdemeanor Elliott:

Is it worth it?











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  • Shannon
    March 16, 2017 at 8:17 pm

    Girl. Love it. So much. It always happens. Years before ghosting was a thing, I was ghosted from an actual boyfriend. Seriously, he disappeared completely. And it was the fucking worst – I def went Blank Space Taylor Swift. & then YEARS later I got a text saying… ready for this… no seriously are you ready… the text said…. “hey”. My advice when that happens – let iPhone get your back and respond with a good ole “read at 10:59”. Great post!!! A+ illustrations.

    • Vodka & Cupcakes
      March 16, 2017 at 10:02 pm

      Thank you thank you! LMAO WOW. The nerve. That’s unfortunately the name of the game, but doesn’t mean we have to play.

  • Ali A
    March 20, 2017 at 3:15 pm

    HAHA this is great – love the illustrations. Also, men are trash…. don’t @ me.

    • Vodka & Cupcakes
      March 20, 2017 at 5:19 pm

      Thank you!! I’m not the best of drawers but I tried haha. THE PUREST OF TRASH.